Setting Boundaries and Professionalism

I'm the founder and quasi-leader of a professional group: Silicon Valley Women in Human Resources...and Friends. You can view our website at www.ourhrsite.com. The purpose of our group has always been to create a great network and find/be mentors. We usually have great speakers, too, and all of this for FREE.

This twelve-year-old group has over 1,500 members. I created and update the website, we have a bulletin board, and I create and send mailings at least twice each month. I maintain the email database and promote the group.

Because times are difficult, I've had an increasing number of people placing demands on my time, skills and network. I understand the need to find work and ask for help, I really do. Having said that, there are people who do not know how to ask for help and accept my own limits. I'm printing below a copy of a note I sent to our group as it speaks to the problems many of us are experiencing. I'll post a separate blog regarding responses and additional thoughts.

I’m going to address something really needs to be said, and I sincerely hope you bear with me.

I recently added the following note to our mailings:

I can’t mentor you, and please don’t send me unsolicited resumes. I wish I had the time to individually mentor you, but I don’t, and I won’t be of much help. With all the time I take for this group, my work and my book, I don’t have time left over. Come to a meeting and meet someone who can help. I receive a lot of unsolicited resumes and never open them. If I’m recruiting for a position, that’s one thing, but other than that, I’ve got other things on my plate.

The time I donate for this group is just that: donated. I have to earn a living, too! I’d like to think I have politely described my life and set expectations, but apparently I’ve upset at least one person and probably more. If you’re upset with me, you may not be reading this, but just in case, it has never been my intention to be rude or off-putting; I am guiding you toward help.

I receive an unbelievable amount of email: personal, professional, mail regarding our group and the bulletin board. I have removed myself from several email lists as I simply do not have time. I have had an onslaught of mailings and calls from companies and individuals wanting me to help them (gratis, of course) or buy their products/services.

I received a mailing from Valerie Frederickson, and that’s an email I always read. (www.vfandco.com) This is from her last mailing, reprinted with Valerie’s permission.

"Dear Valerie: I get a newsletter from an HR professional group. This month the author wrote, “I can´t get you a job. I can´t introduce you to anyone. I don´t want your resume. I can´t network with you.” It really turned me off. I thought that´s what these groups are for. Don´t you think that´s a little mean-spirited? - Peeved Dear Peeved: It´s a harsh message, but put yourself in her shoes. She has to make a living, and she can´t do it by spending all of her time holding informational interviews and networking on behalf of laid-off HR folks. They don´t pay her bills. This, in fact, is the great unspoken disappointment for job seekers: A lot of employed folks simply can´t afford to allocate the time to help them, at least not in this economy, when everyone is focusing on whatever they need to do to keep the lights on. So give this woman a break—she may not get high marks for diplomacy, but at least she´s being honest!"

When I read that Q&A, I immediately thought this was regarding me, and I confirmed this was the case. (I don’t know who “Peeved” is.)

I’ve had conversations with several founder/organizers/thought leaders, and we’re all facing the same issue. Some people take our time for granted, not truly realizing that all of us need to earn a living, and seem surprised to see us look for work. We are pulled in every direction and all of us have learned to say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t personally help you. Here’s what I provide for you and others.” Ironically, most of us are in these roles because we are people who want/like to help, but our talent is to create a framework enabling many people to help themselves.

Friends and long-time acquaintances have seen an evolution in my style and my ability to say “no.” You know I will be honest with you about what I can or cannot do. This is how professionals set boundaries.

Recently, I attended a meeting, and a woman saw my name, recognized it, and asked me to review her resume (for free and on the spot) and mentor her. We had never met, and although she knew of our group, she was not a member. Her face fell when I told her that, unfortunately, I don’t have time to personally mentor anyone right now and I am paid to review resumes. I politely recommended she join the group and find the help she needs. Is that harsh or is that realistic?

Here’s an analogy. I’ve given you the use of a beautiful kitchen, complete set of cookware, a full pantry and refrigerator plus a collection of cookbooks. Am I also obligated to make dinner for you - or is it up to you?

If you are new to our list or haven’t really read my mailings before, here are a few key points.

1. We have over 1500 people on the mailing list and my volunteer work for this group easily takes several hours weekly. Please think about that.
2. I am married and have friends. I lead a full life with hobbies and interests.
3. Although deserving, I have not won Lotto and must work. Part of my work involves coaching people in their job searches, reviewing resumes, etc. and I’ve just accepted a role where I’ll do this 30-35 hours/week. I am paid for this work. I also do HR consulting, so that is not a freebie for casual consumption; clients get the benefit of limited free advice, and then I invoice. That’s what a businessperson does.
4. I’ve been working hard on my next book release and that is time-consuming.
5. I do professional speaking and am also involved in the Mountain View Relay for Life.
6. I donate time to do presentations to job search groups.
7. I’m on LinkedIn, Facebook and Plaxo.
8. I take art and history classes along with HR seminars.

I hope you now understand why I cannot answer each request, why my responses are brief, and why I always say:

ü Join the group, attend and find your own mentor or be a mentor. Come and build your network!
ü Join the bulletin board and post your resume, positions, and post other announcements.

If you want to quote me in context, you’re welcome to do so. I know there are people on this list who face the same issues.